I: Lucidity
by Shimegami-chan
Summary: [I] The last player in the game emerges thinking he's won...or is it him that's being controlled now? You can't always count on your own destiny...


Digimon's not mine. I've built the bridge.  
  
  
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Shi-chan: Here comes your truckload of angst...  
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Lucidity  
By Shimegami-chan  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ides, Ides, Ides. *shakes head* Can't beleive I never thought of giving Ryo a chapter, nope. Hell, I might as well give Osamu a chapter while I'm at it. Argh! Must...not...write! MUST...DO...FINAL...CHAPTER!   
*whines indecisively*  
Okay, here's the dealie. I'm gonna write this cute little _finalément_ chapter now. Last one, hopefully the best one. When I get this done, I will _try_ to write another. If I do get another one or two out...  
Well, if I'm tempted enough, I'll just write a whole 'I' series for Ken-chan. Heh.   
  
ANOTHER NOTE: I got Support Services! Yay! (see note at end of fic!) 

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:Insanity: :Clarity: :Grief: :Pride: :Memory: :Hate: :Silence: :Glass: :Homeless: :Loneliness: :Escape: :Guilt: :Promise: :Dream:   
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I am the embodiment of pure evil.  
  
Or so he says.  
  
I am a man trapped in a child's body.   
  
I am a cage to trap my prey.  
  
I own the world and do as I please.  
  
  
  
  
I've been in here for so very long, but not much longer. Soon I will find the escape that I wait so patiently for, soon I will taste again the power that's just out of my grasp. I'll escape from this prison as easily as I ended up in here; where I let my tongue slip I now hold it, and those moments where I lose control become more and more numerous. They multiply, and soon they will think they can let me out, soon he will think that I have left him. Truthfully, it is I who let _him_ out.   
  
He keeps me sane.   
  
I didn't just think that, did I? It isn't true, of course. He's a worthless fool, and I'd be glad if I could get rid of him forever. He is but a child, a naive little crybaby--well, not crybaby, but do-gooder, that's for certain--and in general he's made my life _very_ difficult. I make him pay for that. I taunt him, telling him all the horrible things I've done to his friends and family while he's been under my control. Like Takaishi, that little blonde bastard. I brag about how he died by my hand, beaten, bruised...   
  
Takeru...beautiful, kind, gentle Takeru. He was so ill, so ill...a dangerous and fast-moving strain of cancer that claimed his life before he could even live it. Daisuke's best friend. The Chosen's ray of light, our Hope...   
  
Dammit!   
  
He watches for those moments when I slip, when I drift off and find that he has taken control once again. It's harder to wrest back control when he's passionate like this. _Takeru passed on peacefully, without suffering; Daisuke told me so. He really is the Angel of Hope._   
  
The brat imagines that Takaishi watches over him, to the point where he even talks to the deceased Chosen. But no one ever answers except the whispering of the wind through the dank grey curtains on the barred window. It gives him strength to think of Takaishi. Strength that will placate even me for a moment.   
  
I whisper to him in the darkness, his frail voice like a soft rain pattering upon sand. Begs me to leave him and occasionally demands, as though I could listen to him. He cries himself to sleep, and I sit and watch the dry sobs with avid interest.   
  
I never sleep.   
  
I stripped him of his memories when I first took over, but it has been in vain. Every time I let him in control, he remembers, and struggles to keep those memories. And yet, I _must_ let him, else we might be in here forever.   
  
How terrifying that thought is!   
  
I have never been afraid. Perhaps because I know what I want, and how to get it. I always do.   
  
I get what's coming to me.   
  
Shut _up!_   
  
I curse him for living, my Kindness. He should have died. And yet, it is he who keeps me alive, he who keeps himself alive. I cannot fault him for that, although it infuriates me. This little fool...this _insect_ is all that's keeping me from the power I so rightly deserve...and yet without him, I cannot have it. Why?   
  
Sometimes, he is proud. Although he knows that what I am--that _I myself_--am wrong, occasionally I feel that he envies me. My courage. My passion. Even my ruthlessness, and the undaunting energy that bursts from within me when I am hard at work on a task. He knows the things I've done, the thing's we've done...and yet...   
  
I hate to admit it, but I am part of him. I envy his capacity for those foolish emotions...emotions that could be put to wonderful use in my plans. I simply cannot acheive it. I feel, yes, but not the way _he_ does. The same way that he cannot feel the absolute elation I do when I prove myself.   
  
Damn him.   
  
Enough about _him_. Without him I could function, I could perform my tasks at my full capacity. It is he who landed us here in the first place! It was _his_ mistakes that caused my fall!   
  
It was him that gave me life, and now I would like nothing better than to strike him down.   
  
I laugh at his terror and helplessness. It serves him right! And someday, I'll be in control again, and he'll wish he was never born!   
  
Light, and the squeak of the door being unlocked. I control the body, for fear that he will say something that I don't want said. "Who's there?"   
  
"Ichijouji-san, you have a visitor," the nurse says nervously.   
  
A familiar voice speaks up from behind the woman. "Hey, Ichijouji!"   
  
"Courage," I growl under my breath. "Can't I get rid of you?"   
  
"Shut up," Motomiya says mildly.   
  
There's another voice in my head. _Daisuke! **Daisuke!**_   
  
Arrgh, you _bastard!_ "Kisama! Shut the hell up, you moron."   
  
_Let me out!_   
  
"Dammit, Ken!" I'm suddenly shoved to the back of my mind as he wrests back control.   
  
"Motomiya-kun! Daisuke!" He bounds forward and flings his arms around the other boy. "You came for me! Thank God."   
  
Oh, you son of a bitch. _Ichijouji!_   
  
He ignores me.   
  
Motomiya blinks in pleased surprise, noting the flare of life that sprang to our eyes. "Feeling better?"   
  
"Yes! Yes. I'm doing great. How are you?"   
  
"I'm good. Still a little...upset...about Takeru and Yamato-kun and Taichi-sempai..." he gulped, "but you know me. I've gotta keep everybody else together."   
  
He always does, too. When he wants to be, Daisuke really can be the heart of the group. I guess that's why he ended up with Friendship where I got Kindness.   
  
_No! Kindness isn't me! It's you, you stupid, weak, brat!_ Our thoughts intermingle, and for a split second I'm scared that he's not just ignoring me, that he's won. He's won, and he's in control, and suddenly my life is slipping, slipping away...   
  
But I--_me_, Cruelty, Kaizer, whatever you call me--am still here. He may have gotten a little help and escaped me for a moment, but I was in control, and will be again.   
  
"Me too. I hope everyone's doing okay." His--Ken's--smile falters, but I still can't replace it with the jab I wanted to make about Courage being a bigger wuss than Faith. "I know everyone's going through hard times."   
  
Motomiya, ever the cheerful sonofabitch, grins. "A little rain must fall, ne?"   
  
Ken smiles widely. "Of course."   
  
Daisuke opens up his backpack and my insect Digimon bounds out, into my open arms. My mouth drops open. "Wormmon!"   
  
"Ken-chan!" My little partner is already crying happy tears. It gives me strength to hear him call my name, feel his antannae twitch against my cheek. "I missed you!"   
  
"I missed you too, my friend." I smile and hug him close, little Loyalty. He's stuck by me through good times and bad, and even though he's been hurt he still protects me as best he can.   
  
Daisuke leans against the wall, watching the happy reunion. "So, do you think you'll be out soon?"   
  
"Maybe!" I shoot him a grin. "The doctors said I'm improving. My memory has almost totally returned...my only problem is still with _him._ Cruelty."   
  
_You call _me_ a "problem," you bastard!?_ I shriek inside my head. I can't get control! I want to tear both of them apart!   
  
He doesn't hear.   
  
"I hope you can do it," Daisuke says gravely. "It must be hard for you."   
  
"Yeah." Ken's answer is distant. "But it's getting easier. If I let him out every little while, he's less violent and not as strong."   
  
It's not true! I can take him any time I want. I'm just letting him win. I'm the one in control here. _Me!_   
  
Daisuke's smile gives me--_him!_--courage. "Thanks for the support, Dai."   
  
"No problem." I hate him! I hate them both! _Ken, you bastard, I'm going to make you pay for this! You'll _pay!   
  
I'm letting you win, can't you see that? I'll be in control again. You'll wish you never created me. _You_ created _me,_ and now you have to deal with it! Do you hear me Ken!? DO YOU HEAR ME!?   
  
"Well, the nurses are going to kick me out again, I guess. Great seeing you, Ken."   
  
I'll kill you! I'm just letting you win! I'll kill you!   
  
"You too, Daisuke...thank you, my friend."   
  
I'm letting you win!  
  
_I hate you!_   
  
The darkness swallows my scream.   
  
  
  
  
~OWARI!   
  
  
And that's the end of this lengthly series! Hope everyone enjoyed. I started with Ken and finished with the Kaizer, oh the irony...and this chapter is really open for possibilities, it reflects the general feeling of the 'I' series--the Kaizer is as helpless as anyone else--while still opening the way for the fantasy in Dream to come true. Originally the ending was slated for pure Kaizer evil-ness...and more futility from Ken...but the more "Natsu no Maboroshi," I listened to, the less I wanted to throw Ken-chan into a pit of despair. Eh-heh. ^^;;   
  
Anyway, I hope anyone who's stuck with me thus far got the ending they hoped for, and since the series mostly revolved around Ken I might add on a bit with some more of the characters close to him. It's open. And since I like this little angst universe I've created, I might do some side stories like what I did with Platonic Cure. More then likely Mimi will merit her own, and possibly a Jyoumi or something involving Takeru. I think I killed him off too early for him to reach his full potential, even if he helped Daisuke-kun reach his.   
  
Thanks for reading, reviewing, and keeping with me all this time. ^_^ It's appreciated more than you know! ~Shimegami, October 29/2001.  
  
  
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Shi-chan: *grins* I got Support Services! Meaning I paid 40 bucks Canadian for 6 months of review alerts! So review review review! (Hell, put me on your AuthorAlert! *shameless plug* FFN reset them, so if I was on it before November I'm not anymore! :-(  
  
Thanks for reading, everyone! 


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